Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. (1 John 4:17-19)
As shared before, there were some situations in the past year that brought me to a place of confinement. This led me to become more aware of the fear of trust and vulnerability that I have made my own. God helped me to see that:
When I choose to live in a place of fear (because I don’t want to get hurt) I fail to experience life and love to the fullness in which God intends for me to. It even places parameters on my relationship with God because often times I tend to view God as a human being with flaws. I at times view God as someone who breaks promises and hearts…
God began a process of dredging up and putting to death the unhealthy things and memories that became a pacifier for me… As each memory comes, it feels as if an overwhelming, never ending wave of worthlessness washes over me… But in that moment, it is as if the sweet aroma of His grace and mercy fills the room and changes the atmosphere… As this happens, I find my heart reluctantly exposing itself to a side of God that is uncomfortable for me to accept. The side of Him that carefully and delicately loves and pursues after my heart the way a gentleman should.
I love this definition of pursue; it is “to continue to investigate, explore, or discuss”.
I think of God’s pursuit for my heart to be:
Him wanting to investigate, to explore, and to discuss the way we both view my heart. I think of His pursuit to be one that is more like a journey of unmasking the things in my heart that once laid dormant, things good and bad. Never to tell me that I am worthless because of my flaws, but to show me, in a poetic way, that flaws and all, I am worth the pursuit. He does so, not because of who I am, but because of who He is! As He unfolds and undresses the mess to get to the heart that lies beneath my “well dressed and well put together” life and image, He calls forth the woman that lies beneath it all. The person that I have always wanted to be. The one that has hid herself behind the walls of fear and pain.
The pursuit is hard. The pursuit is scary because sometimes He works through people. Exposing your heart to the perfection of His heart… the beautiful imperfections of the hearts of others, and the difficulty in learning what love, the incredible love of Christ looks like… It’s “messy” and overflowing, it leaves you sweetly broken and open before the Lord, BUT the beauty in vulnerability and brokenness before the Lord is worth it. The pain of having to face the things in your heart that you need to overcome is worth it, because in the end it takes you to a greater level of intimacy with Him…
My prayer for you is that you let the Lord teach you what it is like to be pursued by Him. That you would allow the Lord to undress the layers of your heart and begin to mend the broken places and give you rest..